Daily Necessities of Life – and Coffee Helps Too
What would you do in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse? We’re talking full-blown The Walking Dead shit here? How would you fare? How long do you supposed you’d survive?
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I always say that if the Zombies took over, I’d just give in, join them, and become their leader. I figure as long as I’m wearing a tiara when I die, their stupid dead brains will recognize the sparkly thing as a symbol of power. You know, something that says, “Bitch, I’m in charge of this shit!” And they’d follow me. And fetch me things. Like dead rats and rotten heads of Cabbage Patch Kids.
But, I’ve watched every episode of The Walking Dead through Season 5 (mostly with my hands blocking most of the screen from my eyes), and the thought of being eaten alive like that would be too much for me. I have to admit that I’d stay human (with a tiara and maybe a scepter for good measure) for as long as possible. Come to think of it, the scepter would be a good weapon for stabbing those SOBs in the head. I’m on to something!
Have you seen any of those quizzes on social media that tell you how you’d do in the event the Undead took a stand? I have. Yes, I’m aware I once wrote a post railing against them. But I actually was railing against posting the results of 50 quizzes a night and NOT just taking the quizzes and abstaining from posting the results.
Anyway, I’ve taken a couple with varying results. The one I Iiked the best said I survived long enough to make it from Michigan to Disney World (at least I was smart enough to go where I don’t need a furnace in the winter). The awesome part is that I apparently met my untimely demise in The Happiest Place on Earth. I do hope it was Zombie Snow White who took me out. It better not have been that useless Prince Ferdinan of hers. The only thing he’s good for is waking people up. And it really better not have been any of the characters from any of the dumbass shows like Jesse or Dog With a Blog. Unless it was the actual Dog With a Blog. That would almost be poetic justice. But not really. Snow White.
Honestly, I think the Moms of the world would be our proven leaders in the Zombie Apocalypse. Yes, Rick and Glen and Daryl are all nice to look at, and I will admit that they are physically strong, but I still think the Moms would take over. Let’s face it, men mostly make money. Women are really in charge. Especially the Moms, and that’s why we’d run the Apocalypse for the good guys (the people who aren’t Zombies yet).
A few other quizzes (and you know they’re all based on scientific fact) indicate that I will live a long time because I will become a leader (thank you, tiara) and I will be safe behind my masses of minions. However I would end up, I have a lot of confidence that all the training I have received as a Mom with Many Hats would help me in the apocalyptic world of the mofo undead.
Dance Moms would fare pretty well because tap shoes would make kick ass weapons. One swift blow to the head with a tap should take any Zombie down. A Mom could do that with the tap in her hands, or, if she used to dance herself, she could lace it up and high-kick some Dead Head ass!
Plus, have you ever looked in to a Dance Mom’s bag? They carry zip ties everywhere. Not only do they hold on head-pieces, these Moms could also use them to tie up people they don’t like to use as Zombie bait while they sashay out there. Don’t judge the Dance Moms– it’s kill or be killed in that effed-up Zombie world. Time to put on your big girl booty shorts and do what you gotta do. Plus, their is likely some wine in that bag. That can be used to wash away the memories once she reaches safety.
If the Zombies ever created a shortage of Dance Moms, their cousins, the Gymnastics Moms, would quickly come help. The problem is, they would all have to put their differences aside, quit fighting over which sport is more legit and which sport needs the other more, and just work together. Yes, one sport has the Olympics, but the other has a show on Lifetime. Move on, bitches. Time to save the world.
Soccer Moms always have snacks up the ass. They would be the feeders. They’d make sure everyone had water was properly fed with a healthy snack before the Zombie battle.
They would also have a “fun” snack to celebrate the end of the battle
(no matter who wins or loses – because at the end of the Zombie Apocalypse, we’re all winners, right?). These snacks always come from ideas on Pinterest and require extra packaging and personalization.
Soccer Moms would be good fighters in a pinch. They’d have to bring in their counterparts from other countries like Egypt though, so that might be tough. They’d have to be very strategical about it. Instead, they might just turn to their bastard cousins, the Hockey Moms.
Hockey Moms would be the real fighters though. These bitches can use the high sticks. They’d pull whatever article of clothing the Zombies are wearing up over the heads and go to town bashing in their brains.
Come to think of it, these commando nuts would probably body check the Zombies just to get them even more riled up for fun. While the Hockey Moms might be good in battle, I am not sure I’d want to live with one in my camp.
These two groups will be the diplomats. Having worked alongside each other at football games in the concession and ticket stands but only ever exchanging polite niceties, these two groups of Moms will finally get their cliquey heads out of their asses and team up. Once they do this, they will realize that they have the power to unite all sorts of groups thus elevating them to a powerful existence as the peacekeepers among the living.
The only caveat would be if the shit really got real and they were called upon for battle. Odds are that the Football Moms would bully/haze the Band Moms in to going in to battle alone (much in the same way football players get band geeks to do their homework for them). The Band Moms would use their organizational skills to assign themselves battle roles according to the instruments of their respective children.
They have bats and balls that hurt like a son of a bitch when you get with them. These Baseball Moms should have no problem knocking the zombie heads out of the park! Just line them up with bats and balls, and they could clear a field of Walkers in no time!
Tennis players are pretty self-sufficient, so Tennis Moms have little to do other than drive them to the tennis matches and sit and clap politely and quietly. If faced with a Zombie, what would a Tennis Mom really be able to do other than run and hide? She has no practical training from being a Tennis Mom.
The one skill Tennis Moms do have is visual acuity. They have sat for hours and kept focused on a tiny yellow ball as it flies and bounces back and forth, back and forth. Their keen eyes can be used on a wall for spotting approaching Zombies. They could further use their own tennis players to accurately beam the Zombies in the head with tennis balls. Now, those tennis balls probably wouldn’t knock any Zombie heads off, but it would slow them down enough while their Moms ran like hell to find the Hockey Moms.
OMG, can you imagine a group of Moms all fighting to survive in the Zombie Apocaplyse and having to do it with a perky, shiny Cheer Mom? Yes, she’d be of some help if it came to hand-to-dead flesh combat because of her ability to kick and her sharp arm movements, but what about the rest of the time? What are they going to do? Stand off to the side and cheer:
Beat. The Zombies. Beat. Beat. The Zombies! Whoooooo!
Maybe they could help the Football Moms and Band Moms.
So, there you have it. We have no worries in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse as long as we have Moms!