Daily Necessities of Life – and Coffee Helps Too
Dear Reader – First, thanks for stopping by. Second, can you help me? I wrote this a few months ago. It was one of my first posts ever. I love, but I still have yet to come up with a catchy title. Would you mind reading through and leaving any suggestions as a comment? I appreciate the help!
I hate getting mistaken for a meth head. Wine is my thing. WINE!!!!
Let me explain. It’s that time of year again: Sinus Headache Time. That means I buy a lot of Motrin, peppermint and Sudafed. That cocktail is my surefire cure. Every time.
The thing is, Sudafed is a “controlled substance,” because it contains pseudoephedrine – a key ingredient for Meth. In my state, they simply scan your license to keep track of who is buying Sudafed and how much. The state (or the feds – whoever, I don’t care) can clearly see that I buy a reasonable amount and not nearly enough to open up shop and start cooking meth myself.
Enter the snooty pharmacists who like to pass judgment on everyone who buys it.
Oh my God — I hope they all get lice or something.
The first time I was mistaken for a meth head, I was very offended. I was dressed nicely, my hair was styled (and clean), no scabs on my face, I had all my teeth.
Have you ever seen what a meth head looks like? I DID NOT LIKE THAT! I was pissed. I actually looked nicer than that bitchy old-lady pharmacist who literally looked down her nose at me. Again, NO SCABS!! NO MISSING TEETH!! I never went back there again.
So, it happened again last week. Now, I actually did look a little bit like a sea hag – but NOT a meth head, dammit! I had just left Zumba, so I had on no makeup and my hair was all over the place. BUT —- I was in a nice coat and, once again, I had all my teeth! Still, I could see the judgment in his beady little eyes. The look on his face scream to the heavens that he didn’t want to sell me the Sudafed because the little geriatric little prick was sure I was going home to cook me up some meth and sell it to the innocents.
I’d flipping had it. HAD. IT. As he handed me my contraband and receipt, I looked at him and said, “You know, I don’t really need the Sudafed. I just buy it so you scan my ID and my handler knows where to pick me up.” The woman next in line actually burst out laughing. That self-righteous jerk had no idea what to say. Ha HAAAA! TAKE THAT!!!
Just for kicks I left the store and stood out on the sidewalk like I was waiting for a ride. The lady that got the joke walked out still chuckling.
That was fun. I used to do things like that all the time when I was younger. One of my favorites was to scare the crap out of telemarketers. I would accuse them of stalking me or of being the aliens that were trying to steal my thoughts. They never knew how to handle that.
The telemarketers would panic and hang up on me!
Anyway, after the pharmacy, I had this adrenaline rush, so I decided to keep it up. My next stop was Aldi. When I left the store and got my quarter back out of the shopping cart, I started yelling, “I WON! I WON!” I sang and danced my way back to my van. The little retired couple that been behind me just stared.
But, the worst thing I ever did was to my former hairdresser. I waited for my her to finish a cut and color (the same exact one she had done the last seventeen or so times I had been there – she couldn’t mess it up blindfolded). She turned me around to face the mirror like they always do for the big reveal, and I shouted, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAIR!?! MY OWN CHILDREN WON’T RECOGNIZE ME!”
She stared in confused horror. The other stylists and their customers grew silent. I started to laugh. Most other people found it funny and pointed and laughed. Except one stuck up bitch in the corner. I think was that first pharmacist.
So, maybe I should wear makeup to Zumba like all the twenty-somethings. I’d rather go home and drink wine. I really hate them. They are beautiful and skinny, but that’s a whole nother blog post ……..